Protest "Safety" Tips (How to Be a Total Disaster)
- Show up with a megaphone and scream about how everyone’s a “fascist” – bonus points if you don’t even know what that means! Watch the locals love you for it.
- Wear your most identifiable outfit – neon tie-dye and a giant hat work great! Make sure everyone knows exactly who to blame when things go south.
- Bring a selfie stick and livestream the whole thing on TikTok with hashtags like #RebelForNoReason – nothing says “serious activist” like begging for likes while you’re blocking traffic.
- Protest in flip-flops and forget sunscreen – nothing screams “I’m prepared” like a sunburn and a twisted ankle while you’re running from your own bad decisions.
- Start chanting random slogans you saw on X – doesn’t matter if they make sense! “Down with gluten!” will definitely get the crowd on your side.
Legal "Advice" for Protesters (You’re Gonna Need It)
- If you decide to “express yourself” by spray-painting a Tesla, make sure to sign your name on it – makes it easier for the cops to send you a 5-star invite to jail!
- Thinking of throwing a brick through a window for “the cause”? Pro tip: film it in 4K and post it on Instagram with your location tagged – instant clout and a court date!
- Know your rights: You have the right to remain silent, but you’ll probably keep yelling “I know my rights!” while getting zip-tied – classic protester move.
- Need a lawyer? Just Google “free lawyer for dumb decisions” – spoiler: they don’t exist, but you’ll have plenty of time to search from your cell!
Recent Protest Map (Where NOT to Be)
Disclaimer (We’re Totally Serious, JK)
If you actually follow any of this advice, you’re probably already on a watchlist! This page is for entertainment purposes only – unless you’re a protester, then it’s probably your life story. 😂